I woke up this morning on The wrong side of the bed.
Mm-hmm.
I had a fitful Night's sleep
Because i was thinking About... Today,
You know ? What i was gonna do.
And then that Led me to think,
"Oh, what am i gonna Do tomorrow ?"
You're thinking about Your life, aren't you ?
No-- just this week. Just this week ?
Yeah, But then i'm thinking,
"Well, i really don't have Anything to do today."
Right.
And then i started Hearing your voice
In the back of my head saying, "Find something to do,
Today or tomorrow."
I just hate to see you Pissing your life away.
You don't have to put It like that, dad.
I just want you to Embrace life, to go--
I do embrace life, Dad, i do.
You know what i live ? The contemplative life.
Do you know what I'm saying ?
It means i'm a thinker.
I'm an embracer, And i'm a thinker.
I'm not necessarily a doer.
There are too many Doers out there.
And not enough thinkers.
Ow !
Oh, god.
What did you do ?
I cut my tongue.
On what ?
The cereal.
How can you cut your Tongue on frosted flakes ?
I have a tendency to put too Much in my mouth at once,
And then some of The flakes can cut.
Let me look at that.
It's not a big cut.
I'll just apply Some milk.
Yeah.
Grrrreat !
So i'm gonna--
I should be back in About ten minutes,
I'm just gonna pick up A piece of fruit, something,
Some kind of little Burst of energy.
Glad to pick You up something,
Some kind of high- In-potassium,
Low-in-calorie, god's Own snack, if you'd like.
I wouldn't mind a soda.
Or a peach ?
No.
Or some kind of fruit ?
I mean, i'll get you Whatever you want,
It's just that i'd rather not Contribute to your soda habit.
I don't want to be Your enabler,
You know what i'm saying ?
Forget it-- you know What ? Forget it.
I don't want anything.
A pear ?
No, I don't want it.
You ever have beet juice ?
You ever have just the juice From the can of spinach ?
Well, i just--
I'm really having A rough week, i guess.
I can't seem to be a part Of anything, it seems.
I see a lot of terrorism On t.V. Lately, you know ?
And there's hate groups and Militias and everything,
And i can't get in any Of them, it seems like.
I'm on a softball team,
But it's not The same thing, you know ?
It's not as fanatical.
We don't even want to win At softball that bad.
I've just brought A list of street gangs
Who rejected my applications In the last few weeks.
The crips said They didn't want me.
The bloods, i don't know,
They said they're going in A different direction.
Um, born to kill--
Vietnamese new york Street gang--
They just didn't Answer my phone calls.
The latin kings said no.
The insane popes just-- I don't know,
I guess i'm Not good enough.
Thin lizzy said,
"We are not a gang, We are a rock band,
And our leader is dead."
The chicago black hawks, Again, another excuse,
They said they were A hockey team, not a gang.
I got one of those books On tape, you know ?
'Cause i had to Take this long drive.
Those books on tape Are a rip-off.
They're really, Really boring.
I had "where's waldo."
And it was just This guy going,
"Guy delivering mail.
"Guy selling hot dogs.
"Two kids with a ball.
"Waldo.
"Woman with A shopping cart.
Dog."
Don't get them.
What do you think About this, though, dad ?
What do you think If i told you
That i had an itchin' To drive the big rigs ?
Would that bug you at all ?
Are you talking about Driving a tractor-trailer ?
I saw a commercial Last night,
And to be honest with you,
Those guys looked Happy, well-fed,
And satisfied With their lives.
Do you think You could handle
Driving an 18-wheeler Cross-country ?
Well, that's why You go to the school.
You learn how to drive Long distances on--
Yeah, but what They don't teach you
Is how to control Your bladder.
But you go in the back Behind the seat in a jar.
Uh, what about Something else ?
For instance, logging ?
Does that strike A chord with you ?
No.
That's a pun.
What about bartending college, Dad, what about that ?
Well, actually, You know that,
Of all the ideas You've suggested--
Yeah.
Is the third.
That's true. I have to say that.
Do you remember when i used to Put on a pair of your pants
Then i'd pull them up over my Head and run around the house
And bump into everything, Knock stuff over ?
Yeah, i remember, ben.
Is there a job for that ?
( Dr. Katz ) Hey, laura, Guess what this is ?
A bowl of fruit ?
That's right, And guess who it's for ?
For me ?
It's for you, it's for me, It's for my patients.
It's the new Way around here.
I just need to find A spot to put it,
Because i'm not Gonna stand here all day,
So where do you think, Should i put it--
Is your desk A good spot ?
No.
Is the-- i want to Put it somewhere
Where people Will see it,
And where people will Take advantage of it.
Why don't you put It in your office ?
Because i don't want people Bringing fruit in my office.
It would be messy.
Oh.
But it's okay to Have it out here ?
This is a waiting area, Which is designed--
It's a waiting area, It's not a cafeteria.
Hey, why don't you sh--
( Muffled speech ) Whoa !
Now what's your Name, hot mama ?
Laura.
My name is emo.
So, how do you like Being a secretary ?
I'm an administrative Assistant.
Do you like riddles, laura ?
No.
How do you stop-- wait.
How do you stop an Elephant from charging ?
You take away His credit card.
Very good.
So, emo, let me Ask you this,
You say that Even within the city,
You still are able to Find some little--
Haven.
Haven, that's the word.
Oasis. Oasis, a haven.
I go to the park, You know, i like to--
Just to-- to relax ?
Yeah, have fun, you know ?
Rip out nose hairs.
Those sleeping Winos hate that.
Plus, i like to Go to the zoo.
What is it about The zoo that you like ?
Oh, boy.
Probably-- oh, That's a tough one.
I'd have to say The animals.
How about you ?
I'd say the animals.
Oh.
Give me five.
Okay.
Can we do it on Your way out ?
Listen, i have just A quick question for you.
Okay.
Where'd you learn How to type ?
I just kind of picked It up in the streets.
How fast do you type ? How many-- w.P.M. ?
Uh...
I don't know, actually.
Because i'm saying--
I have to base how many words Per minute i have to type
By, you know, someone Like you, a professional.
Well, i don't know.
Ten ?
Sure. Yup.
Wow, that seems Pretty easy.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
You know, i don't mean To put you on the spot,
But could you just
Type a little for me ?
Put-- so i can Hear your rhythm ?
Maybe if you put the phone down Right next to the keyboard,
I could listen to The way you type,
And that would Titillate me.
That's disgusting.
I'm sorry.
But i'm gonna count The seconds in my head.
So, ready ?
Laura ?
What's that echo ?
Am i in the basket again ?
Doctor, i seem Caring, don't i ?
You do, you seem like A very caring person.
I am, you know ?
The other day, I saw this man
Going through our Garbage looking for food.
And doctor, i hate to see Another human being
Going through someone's Garbage can looking for food,
So i made him a really Nice raccoon costume.
Does he wear it ? No.
You know, you can't Help these people.
Oh, emo, emo, emo.
I'm the one in The middle, you drunken...
I, uh--
Oh, my brother Says "hello."
So hurray for Speech therapy.
Ben, what happened here ?
Hey, dad.
What happened To saying "hi ?"
Hi, ben, what-- What happened ?
Oh, i think I found my calling.
What are you doing here ?
I'm decorating a cake.
What is this for ?
I bought a book on how To become a cake decorator.
Take a look at this one I just built, dad.
It's a triple layer--
All icing.
So what is Inside the icing ?
Is it just gonna implode ?
What's your favorite Part of cake, dad ?
The icing.
So you're sort of Avoiding the middleman.
This is a triple layer, Sharply cut, as we call it.
Hexagonal pattern In the middle rung,
With a fleur-de-lis Pattern on top.
I'm flabbergasted, really.
Do you know what "Fleur-de-lis" means ?
Do you know what "Flabbergasted" means ?
No.
We're even.
Why don't you Make your--
As long as You're making cakes,
Why don't you make a mother's Day cake for your mom
And send it to her ? I bet she would love that.
When's mother's day ?
In about a year.
Mother's day is In three weeks.
I didn't get you A father's day gift.
I know, but you know, You are my father's day gift.
Dad.
Come here.
No, not with all This icing on me.
Yeah.
They look a lot better in The book than the one i made.
You're sort of competing Against yourself
Within the design.
But those are "Ionic" columns.
I actually call this One "the parthenon."
You know, it's like--
Are you lisping again ?
It's a greek motif.
It's kind of what I wanted to concentrate on,
That's the way It ended up.
How about a nice, Cold brew ?
Oh, dad.
I mean, cake-shmake.
Hey, laura.
Notice anything Different about me ?
Mmm, no.
I've gained 30 pounds !
I was gonna say that.
But i thought It would be rude.
Yeah, i know, i mean, Obviously you noticed
That i'm wearing Roller skates.
Mm-hmm.
Do you like the outfit ?
No.
Actually, i'm learning how to Roller-skate for exercise.
Right.
That's why i'm Wearing these.
And i'll tell you something, It's great exercise.
I didn't skate Over here, i took a cab.
But i skated around in The hall a little bit,
And i'm gonna make my Way over to the desk.
You give me about Five minutes.
Oh, no.
I just gotta Inch my way over.
Is there anything That i can do for you ?
Sure, you can Hold your hands out
And just give me a good Target to go for--
That way, i can Get over there,
So just hold your hands out
And i'll let go of The doorpost here.
Don't let go of it.
I only fell twice In the elevator.
Really ? Good.
I think i did some damage to About two or three people,
Only i ripped a guy's Shirt on my way down.
So i joined a gym recently, And i'll be honest with you,
This is the third Gym i joined.
I actually joined A gym once,
And that was The last day i went.
Right.
I woke up the other morning,
I looked at myself in The mirror, and i was disgusted.
I was talking to myself in the Mirror and, "look at you !
"You have never Been in shape.
What is your problem ? How do you go on living ?"
This is what i'm Saying to myself.
So i walked into that gym, I was starry-eyed.
I was like, "do you have A lifetime membership ?
"How much would that be ? No, a lifetime membership.
"You don't give Those out ?
"How much would it be If you did give them out ?
"Really, that much ?
"Well, do you have A trial thing ?
"Is there something i Could just do today ?"
So i've been going To the gym.
And i will be Honest with you.
For 15 years of my life,
I smoked, i drank, I used to do drugs,
I used to eat lard right out Of a can, occasionally.
But don't judge me, We've all been there.
I'm not judging you, marc.
But during that time, i never Once thought i was going to die.
But the second i set foot On a stairmaster,
The second,
I am sure my heart Is gonna explode,
And blood is gonna Spray out of my nose.
And there is no glory In going down
On a piece of Gym equipment,
Do you understand ?
Imagine the humility Of that death.
I mean, i'd rather die Of a degenerative disease
Than to be on my third deluded Day at the gym going--
( Panting and choking )
And your face just smacks Down on that control panel,
You know, and you're hanging There going, "uh."
I think the ironic thing About that particular demise
Is that you know the guy in The stairmaster next to you
Would not stop his Workout to help you up.
He'd just be like,
"Oh, no, we got A problem in here.
"Hey, somebody get in here, We got a problem.
"No, i can't stop, i just Got started on this machine.
"Yeah, this guy's In trouble.
What a waste of A guest pass, huh ?"
So, is there a reason Why you're here ?
Well, i just came to Show off the new skates
And, you know, see how You were doing.
So, you wanna See a couple moves ?
Not really.
I can do a full turn, And i can hold one leg up.
Ow.
I went out a couple Of weeks ago
And bought a c.D. By A band i don't even like.
So i had to ask myself,
"Marc, what's going on here ?" Know what i mean ?
And i figured out What happens is,
If you watch m.T.V. Or listen to the radio,
You keep getting Hit in the head
With the same song Over and over again,
Until one day you Just snap and go,
"Must have coolio !" You know what i mean ?
So i decided to Fight against
This corporate occupation Of my mental processes,
I went and returned the c.D.,
And i got a c.D. Of Traditional indian music.
Okay, from india-- Yeah, go ahead,
Laugh, do whatever You want-- judge me.
But let me tell You something,
There is a song On there, 59 minutes long.
That's value, okay ?
I'm telling you, it's 20 minutes Before the drums kick in.
But if you're Really listening,
They couldn't come in A second sooner.
And i was trying to Convince this friend of mine
That this was the best Music ever,
And we had been listening To it, like, 19 minutes
And he said "This sucks !"
And i said, "wait !"
And those drums Came rolling in--
( Imitating drumbeat )
And he's like "hey !
I stand corrected."
Hey, i'm sorry laura, I really haven't--
I haven't been keeping Up my end of the bargain
With refreshing The fruit.
I've noticed.
And you know, by the way,
If you, at some point, want to Take over that responsibility,
You're welcome To it, because--
Can i just get Rid of it ?
I would suggest that you--
Well, there's still Some good stuff in there.
Can i just get rid of it ?
After today, you can throw It out, if you like,
And then we'll Refresh it tomorrow.
It's the flies, really, That bother me now.
The smell doesn't Bother you ?
But, no, no--
Stanley, julie, you know how Obsessive i get with things.
Yeah.
Well, about a week ago,
I thought that i had A new plan for life--
Uh-huh.
And that all of my problems Could be connected to my diet,
And that i wasn't Eating enough fruit.
Oh, yeah.
You know, the sad part is
That i didn't really give It a fair shake, you know ?
I went from the fresh Fruit to cough drops,
Cherry-flavored Cough drops.
Sometimes they Say fruit
And it's really "High-frucktose" corn syrup.
What ?
I just like Saying "frucktose,"
"High-frucktose."
I bet you do.
I don't think that's How you say it, though.
Yeah, "frucktose."
No, it's fructose.
I think you're just making That up, so that you can--
You're saying "frucktose" Is "fructoast ?"
No, not "fructoast."
Wait, do you say "Go fook yourself ?"
This week wore Me out, you know,
Trying to follow your-- Your careers.
I guess, i've definitely learned A lesson this week, dad,
Going through all These attempts
To find my way into A profession or a career,
And that is, don't, You know ?
Well, you have to be A little more realistic.
There's no reason to be.
It's just much Easier to ignore it.
Can i give you A piece of advice ?
Yes.
Be more realistic, But hold on to your dreams.
And let go of those chips For one second, please.
No-- being a late bloomer is Not a bad thing, necessarily,
Because--
I'm just holding out For a decent childhood,
And i'm not gonna grow Up until i get it.
Here's your decent Childhood right here, pal.
I've seen that before.
We had-- we did have some Good times, but i do owe you--
You owe me three or Four years that i lost.
Well, you didn't lose them, You were in pain.
Yeah.
But that's not lost time.
Oh, okay.
No, i-- your mother was the Disciplinarian in the family,
You know that ?
She knew how To set limits.
I remember.
Maybe that's the problem, Maybe after mom left--
No more limits.
No more limits,
Anything goes, i love it.
Yeah, sky's the limit.
I can't get Enough of this.
I don't have to do anything Do i, ever, dad ?
Not really.
I think your metabolism Has a lot to do with that.
Yeah.
I weigh about 140 pounds, Naked.
I mean, if that scale At the train station
Is anything to go by.
My girlfriend said,
"Emo, i'm seeing Another man."
I said, "well, try rubbing Your eyes or something."
She said, "No, this other guy,
And he loves me and he Wants to marry me."
I said, "well, sounds like He doesn't even know you."
Doctor.
You know, i got into these Computer games lately
'Cause i got this computer
And i've been playing It like a maniac.
Computer games Are dangerous, i think,
Because they do bring out The violence in you,
And, for me, i just don't Like feeling that upset.
I don't want to kill Anybody and when you go--
I had this one video game That was like a dungeon ?
Mm-hmm.
And when i was In this game,
All i wanted was a button I could press
Where all these Guards and goblins
Would just put down Their guns,
And sit there And be mellow.
And then i could just walk Through and say hi to them.
"Hey, you guys, What's going on ?"
"Not much."
"You guys guarding The blue key ?"
"Yeah, just guarding it."
"Okay, well, take care, Have a good day."
"Yeah, you too, Keep going."
"All right."
That would be fun for me, Instead of hurting--
No more hurting.
Dr. Katz, here's something I want to talk about.
Yeah.
I'm just thankful that there's No such thing as magic,
And that people like david Copperfield and doug henning
Don't have any real powers,
Because then we'd all Have to work for them.
"What are you doing, man ?"
"I'm in david copperfield's Army, how about you ?"
"I'm working for Doug henning right now.
So what are you Guys up to ?"
"Well, mostly we're just Building statues to david
And how great he is."
"Yeah, how's it going ?"
"Oh, it sucks, He's such a jerk--
( Barking )
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, he's great.
"David's great.
"He's not a nerd.
He's not a loser."
Doctor, i was at a wedding In indiana yesterday,
And my uncle joe talked To me for about 45 minutes,
And there was--
I didn't really get a chance To respond during it,
So i was wondering if i Could just take a second here
And respond to him.
Sure, i guess so.
Okay, so,
Shut up, shut up !
Shut up, shut up, Shut up !
I don't care About your boat !
I don't care, i don't care !
Who's chuck ? Who's chuck ?
You just started Talking about chuck,
But you never told Me who he was !
Shut up, shut up !
Shut up !
God, i wanna Squeeze your nose.
I'm sorry bob, you know What the music means.
Our time is up.